kinra: (Default)
I need a new quote for the day, but all I can come up with is stony, emotionless silence.

In seven-ish hours I have an exam I can't possibly beat.

I'm reminded of the Cap'n character from The Simpsons who said he hated the sea and everything in it.

There's clearly something wrong with my mind. I just can't do what I have to do. I just don't care. I shouldn't be within a thousand miles of a classroom, an exam room, Toronto. I should be very far away. I just would prefer to avoid everything and everyone I know.

And I know that can't work, 'cause eventually wherever I wind up, I'll meet new people, encounter new things, and will want to avoid those.

I hate the world and everything in it. At the moment.

See, this is the kind of thing for which it'd be helpful to have some kind of "anchor". Some sort of innate priority which tells you that you do have to keep going and not simply retreat from everything like I'm doing. But right now there's nothing. School feels completely hopeless, a lost cause and a desert of uninspiration. I feel so distant from friends that I don't even know if they'd recognize me. Creative endeavours have been cheerfully Sisyphean.

Of course, the old computer just kicked it. Hopefully the hard disks are intact and scroungeable, but all I'd find there are bitter memories and painful songs. That's sort of descriptive of the entire contents of my head right now.

Knife. Twisting.

Why did it all seem so clear a few weeks ago? Why did I think I could make it out of the semester with a shred of hope left? For anything?

April 2017

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