kinra: (lion cute)
[personal profile] kinra
Just trying to get this all out of my system. The same grinding noise my thoughts make against each other as I encounter another birthday every year.

Appreciation for the people who, sincerely or out of obligation, will say or do nice things tomorrow.

Frustration at the ways my mind and body fall apart as they age gracelessly, as I neglect them.

Guilt, at the wonderful things that life has brought me -- doubly, trebly, infinitely so in the last two years, even with all it's taken away -- while I go through what everyone goes through, and get off much lighter than the billions who don't get this.

The billions who can't count on the security of a home that they own and a roof through which they can't see the terrifying night, the security that they won't be killed in their sleep, that water won't sicken them, that food will be there tomorrow, that they're connected to the other privileged few with electricity and information technology and what still passes for culture.

Appreciation, frustration, guilt. I think that's it.

Date: 2014-10-06 08:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You know, I get the guilt thing. Besides all the things you've listed, I've also never had anyone close to me die, except for grandparents who lived long full lives; I've gotten off easy in terms of my love life and breakups; I've been blessed with good health and opportunities and a damn easy path through life. And I feel guilty for it, sometimes. I don't deserve to have it this good considering all the people who don't.

But then I realize that by NOT taking advantage of what I've been given, by not enjoying my life due to guilt, it's not helping anyone else. It's not giving other people the happiness I'm missing out on; that happiness is just getting lost in the void somewhere. So I let myself be happy, while at the same time keeping my perspective; because in that healthy mental state I will be the most capable of helping others, rather than if I'm struggling to keep my own life under control.

Does that make sense? I'm not trying to criticize. I'm just suggesting that to help others you don't need to make yourself miserable, as well. You're the most selfless person I know, and I hate to see you sacrifice your own happiness in the name of others'. It doesn't have to be that way <3

Date: 2014-10-07 03:35 am (UTC)
ext_39218: (Default)
From: [identity profile]
happy b-day, you

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